Hey Asshat: Express Self Checkout Lane Edition

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One quick trip to Krogers and I witnessed all three of the primal rules of self checkout violated.  If we could all obey these three simple rules, then we will be one step closer to the utopia we all deserve.

  1. It’s not for your fucking weekly grocery shopping – When choosing a checkout lane, keep in mind the Express means to do something quickly.  You cannot quickly checkout you entire cart full of Vienna sausages, creamed corn and Eggo Waffles.  Take your cart to an aisle with a properly trained checkout cashier.
  2. Don’t use cash – Let me remind you once again that Express is right there in the name of the lane.  Using cash slows down the process.  Plus, the machine is not going to take your wadded up, glitter covered ones from the night before.
  3. Know what the fuck you’re doing – If you don’t know what you’re doing and it takes ten times the time to check out your flowers, then why did you get in the express lane to begin with?? It certainly was not to get out of the store quickly and home to your lovely wife for whom I assume the flowers are for.  I must then assume that your reason for using the Express lane was to slow my progress home.  How dare you sir.  I said good day.

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