Whole Foods Makes Me Giggle

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Whole Foods made me giggle derisively to myself not once, not twice but three times today.  For those scoring at home, that’s a comedic hat trick.  And if you are scoring at home, why are you reading this blog.  Seriously, get back to it.

Before I continue, let me give a positioning statement about Whole Foods.  I’m not a huge fan.  If I’m going to overspend on marginally superior groceries I want to do it with less smugness and less hipster vibe.  Which is why I prefer Central Market.  If there weren’t a Whole Foods just down the street from me, I would probably never go. 

The first Whole Foods induced giggle came during the day when I received an email claiming “URGENT! Take Action Now”.  Wow, this must be really important.  Have the Chinese cornered the market on gluten free muffin tops?  Is Rick Perry about to lift the ban on hair products tested on bunny rabbits?

Nope  The USDA is about to deregulate genetically engineered alfalfa.  

It truly is the end times as the Mayans predicted.

This is funny to me on so many levels.  I’m always amused by over-the-top hyperbole about negligible dangers.  It’s like the 10pm news promo:  “There’s something in your refrigerator that can kill your family!!”.  Now maybe genetically engineered alfalfa will trigger the zombie apocalypse.  But my money is on a Khardasian/Jersey Shore cross pollinated super herpes. Now that’s something that requires urgent attention.

The second thing that made me laugh is seeing people hang out at the wine bar at the Park Lane Whole Foods.  There are bars all up and down Greenville and this is where you want a Chardonnay at 8pm on a Friday?  I kind of get being able to walk around with a glass of wine.  It helps dull the pain of their exorbitant prices. Plus the tofu and quinoa salad might not taste so bad after a half a box of merlot. The odd thing is that the bar is right by seafood case.  I don’t need raw fish wafting by me as I’m sipping a hefeweizen. [Make your own Sue Ellen’s joke here]

Finally, while waltzing past the wine bar (that’s right, I like to waltz when I shop) I see a sign that says “Sustainable Wine”.  I love how we have to glom onto a concept and shoehorn it into everything.  Isn’t wine pretty sustainable as it is?  I mean we’ve only been making wine for what, two or three thousand years?  Sounds sustainable to me.  I almost expected to see another sign next to it saying “Gluten-free Water”.

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