As a response to NBC’s insistence on tape delaying until the evening the events that get the hausfraus watching, some comic genius has brought us this cavalcade of whimsy.

• BREAKING: American colonists announce independence, King to respond.
• BREAKING: Mark Spitz wins gold in 100m freestyle
• Tune in tonight for the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Beijing#NBCFail
• BREAKING: Governor George W. Bush wins Florida, declared President-Elect. VP Gore to challenge.
• BREAKING: Dewey defeats Truman in landslide.
• BREAKING: Roman Emperor Theodosius bans Olympic Games, NBC delay to catch up shortly. #394AD
• Great Britain wins gold in Tug of War, event to be discontinued at Olympics #Antwerp1920
• CORRECTION: Dewey doesn\’t defeat Truman, Truman re-elected President.
• Sources: \”The British are coming, the British are coming\” re: Colonists declaring independence.
• BREAKING: Michael Jackson has died today at age 50.
• PROGRAMMING UPDATE: Unfortunately we are not able to delay Ryan Seacrest … or keep him off the set.
• JUST NOW: Michael Phelps wins Gold for the 4th time.
• Jimmy Carter announces U.S. boycott of the Olympic games this year.
• SPOILER ALERT: London to host 2012 Olympics
• We can\’t take credit for developing delays. Public transit, the Postal Service, airlines and doctor offices pioneered delaying decades ago